Some Things Need Saying
by MissLibbyxx
Summary: Hanssen is severly injured both physically and mentally. Can Sahira save him from his wounds before he self destructs?
1. Sacrifice

**This is my first holby fanfic so please R+R. It is a long one so there will be more chapters to come.**

**Bobbi xx**

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><p>"Don't you know a thing about me? No you don't because if you did you would have to know about love, friendship and most importantly family! But you know nothing of these things, because you just hide here like the coward you really are!" She knew as soon as she had said it that she had gone too far. The way he looked up at her now was destroying her, that she could cause one man so much pain. She was a doctor, she was meant to fix people not break them, but the way he looked now she could no longer ignore that he was indeed broken. "Henrik.." She began before Hanssen quickly and sharply cut her off.<p>

"Not another word Miss Shah." He said bitterly, his body stiffening as an almighty battle between emotions broke out. Anger was fighting for dominance but disappointment and pain were challenging. He wanted to just give her the mask of indifference, to act as like her snide little remark made no difference, but anger had won the great war of feeling. Unknown to Sahira she had touched a nerve, but she would find out about it soon enough. "Don't you dare say I'm a coward because believe me Miss Shah if you had been through half the things I have you would have crashed and burned! So I would say it is you that knows nothing about me."

Sahira stood dumbfounded with her mouth open in pure shock. His eyes were full of pure ferocity and his hands had clenched into fists. As Hanssen breathed a little some of the anger left him only to be replaced by pain. She was right, he knew nothing of love, friendship or family, not since he was nine. His mind flashed back to the last time he felt loved. He could almost feel his mother's arms around him before they took her into hospital, he could see the smile on her face, but little did he know then that that was the last time he would ever see her. No Sahira knew nothing about him but there was a reason for it, nobody would get so close to hurt him again. Yet she would not give up.

"I want to understand, I really do but you won't let me in." She gave a long sigh and pulled one of the chairs over to the desk to they could sit together as equals in some way. "I don't know where I stand with you, I can't fathom half the time if we are friends or just acquaintances."

"Like I have said before, you are my registrar and I am your director of surgery." He replied, the restraint he was using was detectable in his voice as he fought not to let anything slip again.

"No it's not just that. You let me speak to you in a way no one else would dare to, you give me opportunity after opportunity and you always try and protect me. If all I was to you was a registrar none of this would be happening." He was thrown off guard and for one second he let his true feelings reach his eyes before quickly looking down at his desk for a distraction.

Sahira had caught the look. She was inwardly shocked that she had never noticed it before. 'He's in love with you, you fool!' Her mind said to itself. No words would form no matter how hard she tried. "If you wouldn't mind Miss Shah, I have a hospital to run." She nodded her head in defeat and could feel his eyes following her as she left.

Sahira made her way back up to Darwin where Greg was swivelling on a chair in the Nurses Station and he immediately knew something had rattled her. "Hey, how did it go with Hanssen?"

His concerned eyes followed her as she came and sat on one of the chairs next to her and waited for her to speak. "Y'know I always took a sort of pride that I was the one who knew him the most," She began, "but actually I don't understand him at all.."

"Join the club. Nobody does." Greg cut in.

Sahira sighed, "But I always thought I came close, yet I realise I don't have any clue."

Greg just looked at her puzzled. "Does Miss Shah work here?" Sahira spun round to see who was asking after her. The man looked vaguely familiar but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.

"Yes I'm Miss Shah." She said getting up and walking over to the young man. "How may I help?"

"You can start by telling me the truth!" The man shrieked. "You said he'd be fine, you said he'd make it."

Sahira looked stunned. "I – I don't understand."

"Adrian Coleson. Do you remember him? You said he'd live, you said he would be OK. Why did you lie?" He cried.

Suddenly it all came flooding back. It had been at Colchester when a teenage boy came in with a tear in his descending aorta; his younger brother, Jason was with him. The surgery started off like any routine one would but soon it turned bad. Sahira lost the patient despite her and Hanssen's best efforts. "I thought he would be OK, I didn't lie." She reasoned.

"You did lie!" Jason bellowed. Noticing the fracas, Greg was already on the phone to security. It was a good thing too because out of his pocket Jason produced a knife.

Sahira took a step back and looked behind her, to her relief Hanssen had stepped onto the ward and now was walking at some pace towards Sahira. Before she knew it she was being pushed behind the tall frame of the Director of Surgery. "Now what do you think you're doing with that?" Hanssen asked calmly.

"You were the other Doctor." Jason realised. "You killed him."

"We didn't kill him; your brother had a very serious..." Hanssen reasoned patiently before being cut off by Jason.

"You did!" Screamed Jason. "Well this is for him." He lunged forward and buried the knife into Henrik Hanssen's chest.

"Henrik!" Sahira cried as the consultant fell to the floor, she looked back up at the shocked young man with a knife covered in Hanssen's blood being restrained by security. People were beginning to come around now including Greg. "Get a towel!" She shouted to one of the nurses. A towel was dutifully flung to her. She gave it to a nurse and told her to apply pressure to the wound, he was losing a lot of blood by the second. Carefully she lifted Hanssen's head on to her lap. "Stay with me." She said softly as she stroked his face, noting that his body was slightly trembling due to the loss of blood. There wasn't so much a look of fear in his eyes, but more acceptance that he might not make it. This worried Sahira even more, as it was like he had already given up, that this was the end. She gripped his hand tightly and sternly whispered, "You are not going to die."

"Sahira..." He started wearily, the blood loss starting to take effect.

"No don't speak, we're getting you into theatre soon." She cut in as she saw the trolley being wheeled in. "You're going to have to stand. Hanssen just nodded his confirmation as Greg and Sahira helped him up on to the trolley. They placed a mask on him and began wheeling the injured doctor to Darwin 2.

"Sahira.." He tried again taking off the mask but Sahira simply placed the mask back on.

As they wheeled him out of Darwin, Greg tapped Sahira on the shoulder. "You ok to handle this?"

Sahira looked at him abhorred. "Where are you going?" She demanded furiously.

"Well Elliot just paged, I'm wanted in Darwin 1 for an emergency CABG." Sahira just looked at him, begging him silently to be joking. He wasn't. "I'm sorry, but he needs me."

"I need you!" Sahira bellowed, she couldn't believe he was doing this. God only knows what she might find when she opened Hanssen up, she would need another surgeon there. "Ok where's Jac?"

"Naylors' on leave." Greg answered, looking at the clock on the wall, he had to be in theatre soon or Elliot would have a mild coronary. "Sahira you can do this, you have to do this, for him." He said dashing off the corridor to the theatres. Sahira just stood there in shock. Coming to her senses she ran down the same way as Greg, to Darwin 2.


	2. Admission

Hanssen was already in the anaesthetic room when she got there. As he was being hooked up to countless machines and the anaesthetist was getting ready to put Hanssen under, he removed his mask one last time and turned to the woman now charged with saving his life. "Sahira," he said quietly.

"Put that mask back on." She ordered as she went over to try and force it on. To her surprise his hands batted her away.

"Sahira some things have to be said before it is too late." He began cryptically.

"No don't talk like that! You're going to make it." Hanssen just shot her a look and she piped down.

"You know as well as I do that this might end badly." Sahira just shook her head trying not to look him in the eye in case he saw the tears. "Look at me please." He asked with a hint of his old authority in his voice. Sahira did as she was asked and looked her mentor and now her patient in the eyes. He brought out his hand to grasp hers, if this was going to be her last memory of him, he didn't want it to be cold and distant, not this time. "I love you."

Sahira was taken fully off guard. She momentarily had to look back because the Scrub nurse called over to say that they were ready, but when she looked back Hanssen was already asleep from the anaesthetic. Her face dropped as she realised that she may never get to tell him that yes, she loved him too.

Once Hanssen was fully prepped they took him into theatre and switched onto the operating table. His tall body lay almost lifeless in front of Sahira as she prepared to make the first incision. She could see the wound and knew that when she opened it up there would be even worse bleeding. Her hand stopped just before she cut him with the scalpel, she leaned over his head and whispered. "No surprises, not today." She took one last look at his face and was struck by how almost peaceful he looked. When he was awake his face was always shrouded in a veil of frustration, distance and exhaustion but now he just seemed to free from all that trouble in a way. It was ironic as Sahira knew Hanssen was far away from being safe.

With a deep breath she cut into his pale skin. After cracking the chest she was momentarily struck by the beating heart of Henrik, a heart that belonged to her and she knew it. Once examining the chest Sahira knew what she faced. The knife had punctured the descending aorta and would require an immediate repair. She had done this only twice, the first time she had lost the patient causing his brother to seek her out and instead stab her boss, the second time she had had to call on Greg for support. Now there was no support, even Hanssen wasn't there to guide her. No he instead lay there as her patient. The beeping of all the monitors told her that his BP was through the floor and he was bleeding out faster than they could put it in, she knew she had to act fast.

She swiftly began the process of repairing the aorta. It was all going smoothly his BP was slowly beginning to rise as he lost less and less blood. Suddenly, as she was attaching the sleeve her hand slipped. Hanssen's BP fell massively, it would be perhaps a minute or two before he bled out. Sahira gasped and fumbled with the stitches trying desperately to save him. This was what happened before, just there was no fall back plan, no one to help. She began to panic, she was holding his bleeding aorta in her hands and she couldn't fix him. All seemed lost to her, then she looked over to his face and instantly remembered his words to her. "Just take a breath Sahira." Finally she took his advice and breathed deeply before she started to finish the stitching.

All of a sudden as harsh scream of a beep sounded from one of the monitors. Hanssen had crashed. His heart just lay still before Sahira's petrified eyes. "Paddles!" she cried. The scrub nurse handed her the paddles and she placed them either side of the heart. "Charging to 20. Clear!" She inwardly cursed as there was no response. "C'mon Henrik, please just make it." She said under her breath as she put the paddles back in place. "Charging to 40. Clear!" Again to no avail. Sahira brought her head down to look at Hanssen's face. "For god's sake Henrik. I can't lose you, I need you." The tears began forming in her eyes as she placed the paddles back. "Charging to 60. Clear!" After the longest seconds of Sahira's life, sinus rhythm returned. He was back.

Sahira quickly turned back to the sleeve. Only did she allow herself to believe that she was out of the woods until she placed the final stitch. The deafening sound of the bleed alert suddenly fell silent and the whole theatre team just breathed a sigh of relief. Sahira had just finished closing up when Elliot and Greg burst into the theatre.

"Sahira, are you ok?" Elliot asked looking concerned. "Heard there was a problem on the ward. Greg didn't want to tell me in theatre in case it distracted us."

Sahira just turned ever so slightly to let Elliot see her patient. His jaw hit the ground. "A former patient's brother came in. He was extremely angry that me and Henrik couldn't save his brother, decided to pull a knife out. Henrik shielded me from him and got the full blow." She enlightened him.

"Oh god. Is he ok?" Elliot asked, gobsmacked.

"The knife had ruptured his descending aorta." She saw the widening in Greg's eyes, he knew that for Sahira, that procedure was horrible enough without performing it on her boss and a man she truly cared for. "It was a bit touch and go but we managed it. We're just going to roll him into HDU and monitor him from there."

"Well done, that can't have been easy." Elliot nodded as all three doctors left the theatre.

"No it wasn't." Sahira admitted as she scrubbed out.


	3. An Eye Opener

It was ten at night before her shift finished. Sahira wrung her home to tell her husband she wouldn't be back. There was no surprise in his voice or any protest. They both had gradually come to the conclusion that their marriage was over. It had only been the wedding anniversary that they both finally faced it. She had told no one yet, but she was soon to be divorced. It was what was best for the kids, rather than living with her husband and ending up despising him. Hanging up, she went to the changing room and found it empty. In a way she was grateful, there was no one there to ask her questions or to congratulate her. It was not her colleague's praise she needed most now, she just needed to see Hanssen's eyes again. She changed out of her scrubs and headed back onto the ward.

The ward too was relatively quiet. A few hours earlier it had been heaving, with nearly every doctor and nurse coming to see Hanssen in HDU. There was no hostility to the man now, they had all heard what had happened, that he had risked his life to save Sahira's. As she moved closer to HDU she could see the cards that had been left for him. There had been a massive conspiracy by the staff on the card front. Sacha, Malick, Dan, Spence, Elliot, Ric and even Greg had all bought their own, as had Senior Staff Nurse Mckie and Sister Williams. Massive cards had been passed around the staff and signed by almost every nurse, porter and barista in the building and through the patients as well. All these little tokens had piled up into a dense forest of cards.

To her dismay, he was still asleep having not woken up since the operation. Wearily, she leant against the door of HDU. Standing there, looking at him, she realised that this was where she belonged, where she had always belonged. Her heart skipped a beat as Hanssen's eyelashes began to flutter open and slowly he opened his eyes.

Hanssen's vision was slightly burred when he first opened his eyes; it took several blinks to gain a full picture, and what a picture it was. Standing at the door was Sahira, smiling softly down at him. He flashbacked to what he had said to her before, he had meant it, every word.

"I love you too." She said out of the blue as she came round to the side of the bed. Hanssen just gave her a quizzical look, like he didn't quite understand when in reality he knew fine well what she was saying, he just couldn't quite believe it. "I love you, Henrik. I just wish I had realised it sooner."

He grasped her hand as hard as he could, trying to convey feeling where words would not help. Nothing had felt this right to either of them and for the first time in what felt like an eternity, a genuine smile flashed across Hanssen's lips. Sahira brought her face up to his, gave him a determined look that reaffirmed everything she felt for him and pressed her lips to his.

He knew he should push her back, tell her that she was making a mistake and that she was throwing away too much for him. Instead his body seemed to disobey his logic and changed sides to become an ally of his feeling as he put a hand to the back of her neck and returned her kiss. What seemed a lifetime of heartbreak, angst and self denial suddenly became irrelevant, all that was left for those few moments, was Sahira.

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier." Sahira said as she brought her body to lay next to him on the bed and her head to lay on the less tender part of his chest.

Hanssen batted her apology away with his hand. "It's not important Sahira."

"No, it is." She said defying him and carrying on. "I called you a coward. How wrong could I have been? You saved me today Henrik, even after all I have said to you."

A soft smile formed across Hanssen's face. "Contrary to popular belief, I actually do give a damn about people." Suddenly a more serious look flashed across his face as he began softy stroking Sahira's hair. "Your life is worth so much more than mine that it would be much of a lesser loss if I were to die, rather than you."

"Henrik," She began with a light hint of anger and frustration in her voice, "how can you say that."

"It's true. You're a mother with children that adore you and workmates who get along with you. I have nobody and no one. People would miss you Sahira, I can't say the same for me." The thought had already crossed his mind what would happen if he had have actually died. Who would claim his body, his uncle or aunty? Doubtful seeing as they both detested him and Henrik could safely say the feeling was mutual. Then the thought dawned on him, no one was there if he did die to collect his body. He didn't even have anyone down as next of kin.

"I would miss you Henrik." He just smiled at her remark softy and kissed the top of her head. "What makes you think so little of yourself? Don't you remember all those lives you have saved, all those people walking around with parents, uncles, aunties, children, siblings who are only still there because of you? What about Ric and Jess, do you not think for one moment that they would not be upset at your death? Why do you think no one cares about you?" Hanssen just remained silent and, as Sahira looked up she could see tears beginning to form. It was then that it all made sense. "Because no one ever did care in the past."

He couldn't look her in the eyes, he didn't want to see what that man had done to him, what he had let him do to him. If it were up to him, he wouldn't tell anyone, but the way Sahira's eyes been full of worry, she deserved at least something near an explanation. "When I was nine, my mother died of cancer of the Uterus. My father, being the irrational man he was, immediately blamed me. He said it was my birth that had caused the cancer, that I had killed my mother. After my mother had died, no one could protect me from the abuse. He began by screaming at me, shouting at me, then it progressed to denying me food and none stop physical and mental beatings, to as he put it 'atone for my great sin'. It was with some relief that at 11, I was sent to a boarding school in this country. In fact if it was up for me I would never have returned home." Henrik's body stiffened as he fought of the memories. "But I did have to return home. Many times during the holidays I was in hospital with broken bones, cracked ribs and sometimes a punctured lung. Once it was so bad I was knocked unconscious. Other times he would invite my uncle along. I remember for Christmas, his present to me was 'surviving the year." Hanssen stopped lost in thought. That wasn't the whole truth, but it would be enough for Sahira. Even if he had opened up to her this far, there were certain secrets too deeply buried.

Sahira was momentarily lost for word. "Henrik, I'm so sorry." She finally stuttered.

"Why should you apologise, it wasn't you who did it." Hanssen said sternly. "The beatings finally stopped when I was 16. I can remember the day I found out like it was yesterday, I picked up the paper and there on page 2, was the news he had died. The sympathetic faces of my teachers and class mates when they found out were so amusing, because actually I was relieved he had died, it's awful really, that I should rejoice in my father's death."

Sahira was by now nearly in tears. The man she had known for 16 years had been broken in so many ways and he had suffered it alone in silence. "It's not awful, it's natural." She raised her head and looked him straight in the eye. "None of that was deserved and none of it was your fault."

"But I never stood up to them Sahira! I never fought back. They did all that and I just took it. Instead of being brave and facing up to them no matter the cost, I took the easy way out and just let them do what they wanted to me." Now Sahira could see the self hatred in his eyes, now she could see the hurt. "See perhaps you were right, I am a coward."

She inwardly winced at him using her own words. "No. I was wrong." She sighed. "I never knew. No one would think you a coward knowing what I know now. A lesser person would have been completely broken by that, they might not have even survived it. You proved your father wrong, as here you are, an accomplished surgeon and a life saver who took a knife for someone else. No Henrik, I think you're one of the bravest men I know." Hanssen smiled and kissed her softly. "Also if you think no one cares perhaps you should view your bed side table."

For the first time Hanssen noticed the mass of cards that had accumulated. In the corner of the HDU there was also a rather large teddy bear. "What's that?" he asked raising an eyebrow.

Sahira got up and fetched the teddy bear. Plonking it on the bed she read aloud what the card said. "To Mr Hanssen. Get well soon and thank you for letting me see my granddad. Jake Griffin." Sahira smiled as the card was obviously written in Ric's handwriting.

"Mr Griffin?" Hanssen enquired, reading Sahira's facial expressions. She nodded with a massive grin to her relief he smiled back before letting out a yawn.

"Perhaps you should get some sleep." She said as she resumed her previous position on the bed beside him.

"I think that would be wise." Sahira smiled as Hanssen began stroking her hair again. After five minutes the stroking stopped as Hanssen fell asleep.

As she began to doze off she whispered, "Goodnight Henrik." And she too fell asleep.


	4. Revelations

The first thing she became aware of was the gentle hum of the ward coming to life. Letting out a yawn Sahira opened her eyes to see Elliot beaming down at her. "Morning." He said cheerfully.

"Morning Elliot." She replied, gently getting up off the bed to as to not disturb a sleeping Henrik Hanssen. "What?" She asked, noting the cheeky expression on the other surgeon's face.

"Oh nothing, just the way you two were lying there. I swear I could see almost a smile on Hanssen's face." He laughed, "It's nice to see sometimes."

Sahira just smiled back at him, not wanting to reveal what had happened last night. "Oh shit!" She exclaimed look at the clock. "My shift was meant to begin half an hour ago."

Elliot just smiled and shook his head. "Greg's covering for you. He saw you sleeping with Hanssen and decided to let you sleep a little while longer." Sahira smiled, Greg on the lookout yet again. "Unfortunately Ms Naylor saw you as well." Elliot said as he walked off.

Sahira's face dropped as she set off to the changing rooms. Great, she thought to herself, that's all I need. Again the changing rooms were thankfully empty, allowing her to shower and change without any unwanted questions from the like of Jac. After she changed into a new set of scrubs she went back to the ward, there at the nurses' station was the dreaded Ms Naylor. One look said it all, don't go there. Ignoring Jac, she swept past her and straight into HDU where Hanssen was just coming to. With kind eyes, she smiled down at him. "Good morning Henrik."

"Morning." He mumbled as he attempted to sit up causing him to hiss with pain.

Sahira moved to his bedside to support him. "Don't try and get up." She said, aware of how cliché that sentence sounded. In any case Hanssen ignored her and painfully manoeuvred himself so he was sitting upright. He looked up into her eyes and that's when the pangs of regret started to charge through him.

"Sahira, about last night," he began slowly as she looked down at him, giving him all of his attention. After knowing him for so long she knew what was coming. "I apologise. I was selfish and in my actions I showed no regard for your marriage. Of course I will completely understand if you wish me to keep my distance."

Sighing, she looked him straight in the eye."There's nothing to apologise for. I'm getting a divorce." His eyes widened and his mouth dropped.

"I'm so sorry, I never knew." He said, shocked.

Putting down his chart, she just smiled back. "I'm not. We have both agreed to go our separate ways amicably and as time went on it became amazingly clear that I had," she paused momentarily before continuing, "that I had married the wrong man." Caught off guard, he just stared back, what was she trying to say? "It became that every time I was with him, I was thinking of you. What it would be like if I was with you not him. Every kiss, every quiet evening I just imagined how different it all would be with you. Just imagining it was more than I had ever had with him. I love Raffi, just not in that way anymore."

For the first time Hanssen was completely speechless."Well I..."

"Nice to see you Mr Hanssen and you Miss Shah." Both doctors jumped a little as Sir Fraser entered the room. "If you wouldn't mind I would like a word with Mr Hanssen alone." He said, gesturing Sahira to leave. Once she had left Sir Fraser sat down beside Hanssen's bed. "I hope you are recovering well."

"As well as can be expected." Hanssen replied, knowing that it was highly doubtful that the Chief Exec of the SHA had just popped round to discuss his health.

"My wife wanted me to give you these." Sir Fraser said putting a box of chocolates and a card on the table. "It seems you have racked up quite a fan club, the local media have been hailing you as a hero."

Hanssen just scoffed. "Why ever do they think that?"

"Oh I don't know. Maybe it's because you saved a fellow member of staff?" Sir Fraser replied sarcastically.

"Any person would have done that." Came the reply.

"No. Not everybody." Moving swiftly on to the reason for his visit, Sir Fraser produced some papers from his briefcase. Hanssen eyed them suspiciously. "Firstly, we have drawn up a press statement on recent events for you to make when you are back on your feet. Secondly, the 'turnaround' team's improvement plan came through so I will leave it with you for you to deal with."

He put the papers on the table and Hanssen then picked the statement up to read it. Outside Elliot had been keeping a close eye on the two men in HDU. He distrusted Sir Fraser, understandable after he nearly destroyed Darwin. Now he began to see red, forcing Hanssen to even consider work just a day after a near fatal stabbing was stupid and very close to heartless. "I cannot believe the nerve of that man." He whispered furiously to Greg as he marched into HDU. "Excuse me Sir Fraser, but Mr Hanssen is recovering from a stab wound and major surgery. Can work perhaps wait until my patient has at the very least, half recovered?" He asked in the politest yet firmest tone he could muster.

"Mr Hope," Hanssen began, trying to give his most authoritative tone but failing to disguise the weariness in his voice. "There's no need really."

"Yes I would say you're being a bit overprotective. Mr Hanssen here seems capable to read through a few sheets of paperwork" Sir Fraser piped up.

Elliot stood his ground firm. "Oh really. So by what medical experience to you make this judgement hmm? Or is it the need to have him back as soon as possible so it looks good for the FT application? Well Sir Fraser I know what wouldn't look good, a surgeon who is now being called a hero dying due to his boss placing too much strain on him a day after surgery. He's had a flipping aortic transection for goodness sake! "

"I don't know what that is, but I think you are a exaggerating a bit." Sir Fraser retorted.

"Look at him." Elliot growled, gesturing to his patient. "He looks like death warmed up. Like this I wouldn't even let him lose with a bandage. Sorry Sir Fraser but my patient comes first."

"Fine." Sir Fraser spat. He nodded to Hanssen as he left. "Get well soon." Once they were out of HDU he turned on Elliot. "What was that all about?"

"In all fairness do you know how much that man does? Not just for you but for all of us." Elliot asked. "He works like a mad man to keep this place afloat. I can't even begin to imagine the weight on his shoulders. None of us really appreciate it, instead we complain and moan about him, yet I bet none of us could do his job. I didn't realise it until yesterday, but we owe a hell of a lot to him. He would rather throw himself in front of a knife than see anyone come to harm, he very nearly died protecting the hospital and its staff. That's the kind of man he is."

Sir Fraser just looked back at him, his furious features beginning to soften. "How ill is he?"

"He's still critical, but stable. Of course he'll need careful monitoring and to avoid stress like the plague." Elliot answered sincerely. "I know with him out of action, the FT application might suffer, but it would be wrecked if he died."

Sir Fraser rubbed his neck awkwardly. "I see, well I'm sorry for contradicting you, I wasn't in possession of all the facts." Looking over to Hanssen in HDU, he patted Elliot on the arm. "Just make sure he lives." With that he left.

Greg shot him a puzzling look to which Elliot could only shrug his shoulders in reply. He went back into HDU to take the flack for disobeying Sir Fraser. "I know what you're going to say." Elliot said entering the room. "You think I shouldn't have stood up to Sir Fraser."

Hanssen just sighed, too tired to argue. "You would have done it regardless of what I thought."

"Yes I suppose I would have." Elliot said, surprised at the lack of the expected Hanssen-esque backside kicking. "Right you've have ruptured your aorta which is when..." Elliot began, "of course you know what it is."

"I severely hope so Mr Hope." His patient replied with a half hearted laugh.

Elliot just smiled in return. "Neither Greg or I were available for theatre so Miss Shah had to do an emergency repair single handed." Hanssen's eyes widened. Sahira had never been able to successfully complete the operation without intervention. "It was a complete success."

"Well congratulate Miss Shah when you see her next and give her my thanks please." Hanssen requested, quite, but pleasantly, shocked.

Elliot looked out of the windows in HDU and saw Sahira at the nurses' station. He gave Hanssen a cheeky look. "You can tell her yourself." Putting away the chart he turned to face his patient. "Is there anyone we can call?"

Hanssen had been dreading this question. It was surprising how one question could say so much about a person. As a surgeon, he had seen them all and he knew from each and every answer what sort of life a person had. Now he had to answer it, he had to admit that apart from Sahira, he had no one. "No. Thank you Mr Hope."

Elliot just nodded and left. "How's he doing?" Greg asked, swivelling as usual on a chair at the nurses' station.

"His BP is ok, but his output is a bit sluggish." Elliot answered, the BP was showing the sleeve was holding, but the output was certainly a cause for concern. "Up his obs to every 10." He added as he left to deal with his other patients.

"So, you still don't think anything is going between Sahira and Hanssen then?" Greg jumped a little and swung round to find Jac standing there with a smug smile on her face. "Don't pretend you didn't see what I saw. Lying next to him, almost like a faithful partner." She said with a smirk.

Greg sighed. "She cares about him, so what?"

"Cares about him? Oh I think it is a bit more than that." Jac scoffed as Greg glared at her. "Y'know there are rumours that a nurse on the ward saw them kiss. We have always known he's been head over heels with her, maybe she's fallen for him as well. Though I can't see why since he is basically medicines answer to Dracula."

"First of all, leave off Hanssen. O.K?" Greg threw her a frustrated look. "He's just risked his life for somebody else. Secondly, Sahira is married, she wouldn't throw that away."

Patting him on the shoulder Jac whispered in his ear. "You know what I think; you're just ignoring what you see because she chose Hanssen over you." With that she left with a satisfied smirk.

It was late before Sahira's shift finished. She made her way to HDU to say goodnight to Hanssen. "Hey, how are you feeling?" She asked as she took her seat beside him.

"As to be expected." Sahira noted he looked awful, tired and grey. Looking to his BP it was a little low but his output was even worse as was his pulse. "Are you ok?" He asked noting her frown.

Sahira sighed. "You're not doing as well as I'd hoped."

"I'm here, aren't I?" Hanssen smiled. "I hear I needed an aortic repair and that you did it successfully single handed." She blushed a bit. "Thank you, I know it can't have been easy."

"It wasn't." She confirmed as she looked at her watch. "I have to go, I promised I'd be home in time to tuck the kid in for bed."

Hanssen inwardly smiled. Even though the children got in the way of Sahira's career, he often thought that it was the part of Sahira that was a mother was the part he liked best of all. "Of course. I'll see you tomorrow."

Sahira nodded. "You will. Now try and get some sleep."

"I will. Good night Sahira."

"Good night Henrik."

_He was being dragged down the stairs by his collar. Knowing by now not to put up a fight, he let a pair of strong malicious hands push him into a room. Now he was cornered by two drunk men that were edging towards him, he knew what was going to happen. Quickly one man landed a punch straight across his face, causing him to fall to the floor. The other growled at him, forced him to get up, turn around and brace himself against a fire place. He closed his eyes and whispered one name to give him strength for what was about to happen, "Sahira." Then all went black._


	5. The Broken Heart

Elliot quickly rushed into HDU as a litany of alarms began to sound. "His BP and pulse are through the roof." Greg informed him. They both looked down at Hanssen in the middle of what the presumed was quite a horrific nightmare which had caused his BP and pulse to spike. "Do we wake him?" Greg asked.

"Could cause more pressure on the heart." Elliot said weighing up the options as he saw Hanssen struggling against an invisible enemy.

Suddenly Hanssen gasped in his sleep. "Sahira." Then he went still. Not because the dream had ended, it was because his heart had stopped.

"Crash team!" Elliot shouted and seconds later two nurses rushed in with the trolley. "Salmons." He commanded. As soon as Hanssen had been made ready he placed the paddles to his patient's chest. The first shock did nothing, the same with the second, third and fourth. On the fifth attempt Elliot swore under his breath, "Right you stubborn Swede. Like you once said. You've not failed us yet so you bloody better not fail us now." Closing his eyes he shocked Hanssen again. He gave out a sigh of relief as he returned to sinus rhythm.

"What now?" Greg asked.

"We need a CT scan, ultrasound and an echo cardiogram ASAP. He's stable now but I want to know what the hell just happened." Elliot replied.

It was two hours before all the tests were back. Greg walked quickly down the ward with them under his arm. "Here's the test results." He said handing the tests to Elliot.

"I've just examined Hanssen, there's a heart murmur and he's got fluid on the lungs so..." Elliot began.

"He's developing heart failure." Greg interrupted to which Elliot could only reply with a solemn nod. "What do you think's causing it?"

"Well hopefully that's what his results will tell us but the murmur has problems with his valves written all over it." Elliot ripped open the envelope and took out the results of the echo cardiogram. "Here." He said pointing to the image of the mitral valve. "He has mitral valve regurgitation and it look like it's verging on cardiovascular collapse."

Greg nodded. "The valve looks totally wrecked. I think we're gonna have to go with a full replacement."

"I think so too," Elliot said looking over his shoulder to Hanssen, "is he well enough to consent?"

"Yeah, he's barely with us like. Not surprising looking at some of these results. The whole heart looks terrible." Greg looked at the ECG. "I'm surprised nothing else has failed."

Elliot took the results back. "Let's just pray that nothing else does!" Greg got the consent form and the two surgeons made their way into HDU where Hanssen was awaiting their decision.

"I take it, all is not as it should be." He said, struggling for breath.

"No it's not. You have severe mitral valve regurgitation. Now we're going to have to replace it as it's too damaged to repair. So we need to get your consent." Elliot said, placing the forms on the table with a pen. Hanssen looked up at him and then to Greg. Picking up the pen, he signed his name then leant back again his pillows. "Good, we'll prepare you for theatre now."

"Thank you Mr Hope." Hanssen said as Elliot and Greg left.

* * *

><p>Sahira stepped onto the ward for the start of her shift. She made her way over to HDU, but when she got there she found Hanssen was nowhere to be found. Instead a different patient was now in his place. Turning on her heals she marched over to Greg, who was just about to come off his shift. "Why the hell has Hanssen been moved?"<p>

"Has no one told you?" He asked, but the blank look in Sahira's eyes told him all he needed to know. "C'mon I need to show you something." He got up, beckoning her to follow him. Leading her down to ITU he stopped just outside the door and allowed Sahira to look in. The sight before her was not a pretty one. Hanssen was unconscious and hooked up to a ventilator.

Sahira was completely taken a back. The man in ITU looked worlds away from the man who, only a few days ago was walking around the hospital like Darth Vader with a stethoscope. She turned to Greg and in a small voice asked. "What happened?"

Greg sighed. "He went into cardiac arrest. We revived him but he developed heart failure. The test showed his mitral valve was nearly completely wrecked so we replaced it."

"What caused it? He was perfectly fine yesterday." She asked. "When I left him last night, he was smiling and talking,"

"He had a nightmare which caused his BP and pulse to spike. I suppose it was the pressure on an already weakened body and heart after the stabbing." _That isn't quite all of it, but best not to tell her. _He thought to himself.

"Even with the stabbing, it shouldn't have caused this in a previously healthy person." Sahira looked into Greg's eyes and saw something was amiss. "That's why it's not the whole truth is it?"

Greg looked down at the floor and rubbed his neck. "Sahira, he's dangerously underweight and from what I can see of his notes he has been for a long time. That, coupled with the stress from the hospital and probable lack of sleep means his heart has been under strain. I guess the stabbing and the nightmare were just the final nails in the coffin."

"He's underweight?" Sahira asked gobsmacked.

Greg gave her a puzzled look. "Yeah. He's seriously too thin. Have you never noticed it?"

"He's always been skinny, but I must never have seen it. There's a lot he keeps hidden." Her mind flashed back to what he had told her. His father had done all this to him; he had died and left Henrik on a time bomb to self destruct. She looked back in on Hanssen. He was lying there, almost lifeless, like he had given up on the world because the world had given up on him. Suddenly the tears began to well in her eyes, everything was starting to get the better of her. "How bad is he?"

"He's extremely weak and he's not doing as well as we'd hoped." Greg put a hand on her shoulder. "Are you ok?"

Sahira spun around. "Am I ok? Take a wild stab in the dark. No of course I'm not ok." She spat furiously. "Henrik is in there, fighting for his life. Surprisingly I am not exactly thrilled at that." She took a deep breath, but couldn't stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks. "I can't lose him Greg."

Greg pulled her closer and hugged her tight."You won't lose him. From what I've seen of Hanssen, he wouldn't let anything beat him into submission." Sahira didn't say anything at that. She knew that someone had destroyed him, and even now the memory of that one man was still doing its level best to break him. Greg broke away from the hug as his pager began to beep. "Looks like AAU need me. Got to go." He said replacing the pager to its holder.

"Ok, I better head back to Darwin soon just to stop Jac going off the hinge." She wiped her eyes before looking back into ITU. "I'll just look in on him quickly just to make sure..." She couldn't finish the sentence, to make sure of what? That he was ok? She could clearly see that he was not ok. That he would even live? No she couldn't be sure of that either. "Well you know.."

"He'll be fine." Greg reassured her before he dashed off to AAU. Sahira's only wish was that she could believe him. She stepped into ITU and found herself consumed by the severity of Hanssen's condition. All around her was the sound of the machines that now held his life together. The worst was the ventilator; she could just about manage to hold everything together if he was just able to breathe by himself, but even that basic function was now beyond him.

She made her was over to his bed side, a place that was now becoming all too familiar. Taking hold of his hand, she hoped desperately that he might squeeze back, anything just to know he was still there. To her dismay there was nothing. It came as no surprise, the man looked ill, very ill. His face was drawn with a grey tinge to it. Most of all he looked exhausted, like he hadn't slept in days if not weeks. She stroked his cheek lightly as the tears began to come again. "Oh Henrik, you don't deserve any of this."

Sahira jumped as Jac Naylor cleared her throat behind her. "Now forgive me if you think this is none of my business but..." Jac began before Sahira furiously cut her off.

"No Jac this isn't any of your business." She spat getting up off her chair to face the cold hearted Miss Naylor.

Jac just smirked back, happy that she had provoked a response in her rival. "It's just that if you're going to treat Mr Hanssen, I need to make sure that nothing will be affecting your judgement." Sahira looked at the ground, not quite believing Jac would use something like this to score points. "You do know there are a hell of a lot of rumours going around about you two."

Sahira sighed heavily and rolled her eyes. "What do you want from me Jac?"

"The truth." She replied sharply

"Ok, fine. You win." Sahira said throwing her hands up in mock surrender. "Yes, I love him and I'm scared, no I'm petrified I'll lose him. Are you happy now?"

Jac gave her a questioning look. "Why are you so afraid he'll die?"

"Because if he dies, I will never be able to make up for the things I've done to him, all the times I've manipulated him and all the times I've hurt him." Sahira admitted. There were many reasons she didn't want him to die, but when it came down to it, she didn't want him to leave this world feeling unloved.

"Right." Jac didn't pretend to understand her feelings, what went on in Sahira's head was a complete mystery to her. "I'll run through the treatment plan with you. We'll keep him on the ventilator for at least another day then take him for a CT scan. If the Pulmonary Oedema has cleared we'll bring him off the ventilator and then out of the coma. Once he's been conscious for a few hours and he's stable we'll then transfer him up onto the HDU. Hopefully it'll only be a few days until he is out of there as well and onto a normal Darwin bed."

"And why are you telling me this?" Asked Sahira.

Jac smirked. "Even if you're suddenly smitten with your hero, he's still your patient and he still needs treating. So that's the treatment plan, unless you want to change it."

"You still want me to lead?" Sahira asked, almost amazed Jac had not forced her to step aside.

"You are the lead surgeon for CTU. This is a CTU case. Unless you feel you can't fulfil your duties to this patient then I don't see why you shouldn't." Jac confirmed, although she didn't particularly like Sahira, she knew when it came down to it, Hanssen needed Sahira and Sahira needed Hanssen.

Sahira looked shocked as Jac handed over Hanssen's notes. "Thank you."

Jac nodded and went to leave the room. "You should know one thing." She said, turning to face her rival once more.

Sahira looked at her confused. "What?"

"Greg told me that when he was having his nightmare and just before he crashed, he cried out your name." Jac then left Sahira to take in what she had just said.

A shocked Sahira turned back to Hanssen. She tried to imagine what was going on in his head, what the dreams were about and why he had called for her in his sleep. The images she got were so horrific she quickly stopped. How could she have never seen any of this before? There had been so much that over the years she had missed; him being dangerously underweight, his past haunting him, his love for her, these were all things she hadn't picked up on. Her mind started weaving down lots of different avenues looking for an explanation. It was only her pager that brought her from her thoughts. Sighing slightly, she headed for the door and then off to Darwin to deal with another CTU case, giving Hanssen one last look before she left.


	6. With Every Breath

The next day dawned brightly and cheerfully but as Sahira clocked on for her shift she was the complete opposite. She had hardly slept during the night, her head filled with problems and regret but most of all anger. The anger was directed many places, but mostly at a man she had never met, Henrik's father. Her head had conjured up almost fantasies of Sahira coming face to face with his father and telling him just how much of a monster he was. If she wasn't already stressed when she entered work, she sure was by lunchtime. The CT scan was backed up and it had been two hours since Hanssen's scan yet there was no sign of his results.

"Oi. Got something for you." Greg said strolling up the corridor with a happy grin on his face to Sahira at the nurses' station, waving a large brown envelope. "Hanssen's CT results."

"Thanks. You're a star." Sahira smiled as she took the envelope off Greg and took out the results. After examining them she looked to Greg, who was nervously waiting for her verdict. "There's no sign of any fluid on the lungs, so I think we can take if off the ventilator and out of the coma."

Greg's relief was evident as his shoulder began to relax. He knew Sahira had been worried sick and maybe now she could relax. "That's great!"

"C'mon, let's get him off that breathing machine." She said, starting to walk out of the ward.

Once in ITU they set about their work. Greg held Hanssen's head in place as Sahira carefully took the ventilator tube from Hanssen's throat and placed it to one side. Quickly Greg put on the oxygen mask onto Hanssen and both doctors waited with bated breath as Hanssen began breathing on his own. To their relief all the monitors showed that everything was fine. "Right nurse we need to change over these IV bags to just IV morphine and IV amoxicillin and as soon as he becomes conscious page me." Sahira instructed.

"Hopefully by the end of the day he'll be on HDU." Greg said, trying to give Sahira some optimism.

Sahira smiled back but some part of her wouldn't rest easy until she heard Hanssen's voice again. "Fingers crossed."

3 hours later Sahira was back in ITU with Greg. He hadn't left her side all day, constantly looking out for her and trying to make her smile. It was sweet and did help lift her spirits but it wouldn't stop the niggling worry for the man still lying down in ITU in a coma. "No change?" She asked one of the nurses.

"No Miss Shah, he's been like that since you were last here." Sahira looked at Hanssen worried at his lack of progress before turning back to the nurse. "Right ok, I'll be back in about 2 hours to check on him again."

Greg could see the concern on her face, trying to banish some of it, he placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "He's gonna be ok." Turning Sahira around, he brought her in for a hug, hoping to make her relax. Sighing a little Sahira rested her head onto his chest.

"Sahira." The voice was barely audible yet it seemed louder than many church bells. Sahira lifted her head off Greg's chest and looked to Hanssen. His eyes were barely open and blinking in quick succession but they were at least open. She quickly rushed over to him and took hold of his hand. Wearily, he pulled off the mask. "Where am I?" He asked as his confused eyes searched hers, wondering why she looked so relieved.

"You're in ITU. You had a valve replacement. Do you remember?" Sahira could barely contain her smile as she stroked his face to comfort him while he tried to collect his thoughts. Greg noted it oddly, but shrugged it off, putting it down to being over protective.

Hanssen nodded slowly as his mind began to power back up. "How do you feel?" Greg asked, trying not to feel awkward. Hanssen was still his boss after all.

Smiling slightly, Hanssen looked at Greg. "I imagine it's a kin to what you might feel after one of your nights out."

"Well that's to be expected, you were out for quite a while." Greg said, noting Sahira still had tight hold of Hanssen's hand.

Hanssen frowned slightly. "How long have I been out for?"

"About a day and a half. We'll run through the details later when you're a bit more with us." Sahira finally let go of Hanssen's hand but looked him straight in the eye. "But you need rest, so get some sleep. We'll be back soon" She commanded as she put his oxygen mask back on. Hanssen didn't need telling twice for he almost immediately dozed off.

"C'mon, let's leave him to it." Greg said holding the door open for Sahira. They walked up the corridor not really knowing what to say to each other. It troubled Greg the way Sahira had been with Hanssen, far too affectionate. "Sahira, about Hanssen," he started, knowing this might spark conflict. "Maybe you're getting a bit too attached to him."

Sahira looked at him and gently shook her head. "You really don't understand."

"He's still just your patient Sahira, and he's still the same person that just a couple of days ago you were infuriated with." Greg said exasperated.

"He saved my life! Whatever you may think of him Greg, you don't know what I know." _Count yourself lucky that you don't. _She added in her head.

Greg sighed, arguing with Sahira was never easy. "Ok. He saved your life, but you're acting like you're in love with him." Greg's eyes widened as Sahira looked down to the floor not able to keep his gaze. "You are, aren't you?"

"What if I am Greg, would that be so awful?" She was challenging him now, looking at him with determined eyes. "Underneath that harsh exterior there is a person y'know and he genuinely cares about me." She softened a bit, realising this would be hard for Greg with all the history that had gone on between them. "On the inside he's a good man."

Greg wanted so much to disagree with that, to tell her she was making a mistake, but the look on her face when Hanssen came round was so happy. He couldn't ruin that. "Fine, if he makes you happy that's all I care about." He said gently. "However if he hurts you he'll think ending up in ITU was a walk in the park."

Sahira couldn't help giggle at that. "Somehow I don't think that will happen." Turning more serious she asked a favour of Greg. "Please don't tell anyone, at least until he's out of hospital. Both of us could do without the attention."

"Yeah sure thing." Sahira patted him on the arm and they began walking back up to Darwin.

All was quiet on the ward as the day began to come to its close. Using this period of calm Sahira went down to ITU to transfer Hanssen up onto HDU. "Right he seems to be making progress so let's transfer him up onto HDU." She instructed the nurses and they quickly set about disconnecting Hanssen from all the various machines. Aware of the commotion around him, Hanssen had woke up but still looked completely exhausted. "We're going to take you up to HDU now." She said softly and he nodded slightly. They wheeled him out of ITU and took him to Darwin. As soon as he was in HDU they began reattaching him to a plethora of devices.

Once all the nurses had left Sahira looked caringly down to Hanssen. "Now get some sleep. I don't want to come back tomorrow and find you down in ITU again." She joked. Hanssen just smiled and nodded before drifting back to sleep. Quietly Sahira left HDU and walked up to the nurses' station. "I want him sedated." She informed a nurse, well aware of the strange look Jac was giving her.

"You're going to sedate him? It might just be me, but he already looks like he's asleep." She said sarcastically.

Sahira rolled her eyes. "I know that Jac. It's to stop him from having another nightmare and putting strain on his heart, unless you fancy taking him back into theatre, or down to the morgue?"

"Ok." Jac said almost affronted. "Calm down Nigella."

"Right, I'm of home. If there are any problems during the night ring me." She firmly said to Jac as she picked up her bag and began walking out of the ward.


	7. Everything Can Be Fixed

_**Warning:**_Some people may find some of the contents of this chapter disturbing as it gets a bit dark. Read at your own risk. Those who do decide to read on I hope you enjoy it. :)

_**Bobbi x**_

* * *

><p>The next few days went fine; Hanssen slowly rebuilt his strength and had began to complain constantly at being kept away from his work. Soon he was back to his old self, flatly refusing to wear his oxygen mask and even the sarcasm had returned. Sahira had banned all visitors until he was out of HDU completely and she had had quite serious words with Sir Fraser when he attempted to play another flying visit. Even with her other CTU duties she always managed to check up on him, nearly every hour, leaving even Elliot a bit baffled at how protective she was being. In truth all the extra attention was down to guilt. She blamed herself for not being there when he had the nightmare, when he obviously needed her. So every night she had sedated him to stop the horrific dreams from returning.<p>

"I think we can take him out of HDU now and onto a normal bed." Elliot said looking over Sahira's shoulder at Hanssen's ECG and CT scan results.

Sahira nodded her head. "I think we can, yes. I'll go tell him. We should put him in his own room, stop both the staff and patients gawking at him."

"Erm Sahira before you do that," Elliot started, "the nurses tell me you sedate him while he's asleep."

"Yeah, it's to stop the nightmares and hopefully keep his heart stress free." Sahira confirmed.

Elliot looked at her a little concerned. "Well perhaps you should try and find out if it happens regularly, it may just have been a one off. If it isn't a one off, maybe see if anything is on his mind. It'll do him good in the long run."

Sahira knew what was behind it, just it seemed opening up about it hadn't helped, but Elliot was right, it would help him if she could get to the bottom of it. "Ok, I'll give it my best shot." Elliot smiled at her before going off to his office. Sahira headed into HDU to update her patient. "We're going to move you onto a normal bed." Before she could continue her pager went off, there was a CTU patient being rushed up here as they spoke. "Sorry, I have an incoming patient."

Hanssen just smiled at her. "Don't apologise, it's what you're paid to do after all."

"I'll be back to check on you later." Sahira said as she left and jogged down to the elevator waiting for her incoming patient.

By the time Sahira actually got round to seeing Hanssen it was nearly 9pm. She had been rushed off her feet day with 3 CTU patients all coming in and then she had to do the rounds on her other critical patients. As Sahira walked up to Hanssen's bay all the lights were off, leading to her to think he had already gone to sleep. For a moment she questioned whether she should go in, but even just seeing Hanssen asleep would be enough to keep her mind at rest. She opened the door as quietly as she could and stepped inside the room. Hanssen was lying with his back facing her and Sahira presumed he was asleep. Just as she was about to leave he gave out a little hiss of pain which immediately sent her running round to the other side of his bed to check he was ok.

Sahira was shocked by what she found. Hanssen had buried his nails into the back of his hand causing it to bleed and stream of tears had formed on his cheeks. "Oh Henrik, what's wrong."

"Sahira," He started, trying desperately to keep his voice in check. "Please leave."

She was in all truth a little bit hurt that he wanted her to go, even if she knew it was most likely down to he couldn't bear to show any weakness to anybody. "No, I'm not leaving you here to cry and hurt yourself."She said stubbornly. "Now please tell me what's wrong. You can trust me and it can't be any worse than what your father did to you." Hanssen's dark eyes suddenly flashed with a deep pain and she knew that whatever was bothering him was much worse. "Is this what caused the nightmare?"

"I can't talk about it." He admitted.

Still not willing to let it go she turned on the light and sat up onto a chair. "How long have you been having these nightmares?"

"You are not a psychologist; you do not need my troubles as well as your own." The deflection was obvious and made Sahira even more determined.

"How long?" She asked again.

Hanssen closed his eyes tightly and swallowed. "On and off since I was 16."

Taking hold of his hand to reassure him that she was there for him she gently asked, "And what causes them?"

"I don't know." He said quickly, hoping the lie would remain undetected but Sahira had known him for too long.

"I think you do and keeping it hidden won't help." She reasoned.

A flash of anger went through his features, infuriated at his lack of self control. "I have kept it hidden for many years and it seems to have served me fine."

"You're in a hospital bed after a mitral valve replacement caused by one of these nightmares; yeah it seems to be doing you the world of good." She retorted sarcastically. "Is it about what your father did to you?"

He was almost shaking now as long buried images and feeling began to resurface. After all those years of tight self control he could feel himself unravelling before Sahira and he hated himself for it. "I really don't want to speak about it."

"You need to. Can't you see what it's doing to you?" She pleaded with him, there must be a reason that those eyes of his looked defeated. "You can trust me, whatever happens I'm right here beside you."

Rolling onto his back he pinched the bridge of his nose and cleared his throat. Soon enough the words he promised himself he would never say began to come out. "When I was 14 I came back home for the summer holidays. It was like every other time I returned home, I was beaten and screamed at. One night I was up in my room and my father and uncle came back very drunk. It didn't concern me at first as it happened a lot. My father came up to my room, grabbed me by my collar, and forced me downstairs and into the living room where my uncle was waiting. He punched me across the face and I fell to the floor. My father pulled me back up onto my feet and made me brace against the fireplace. He then..." Hanssen stopped, not able to say the word.

"He raped you." Sahira said in a small horrified voice.

He nodded solemnly. "Not just him but my uncle too. I can remember I cried the first time it happened."

"You mean it happened more than once?" She asked outraged.

"Oh yes, quite a few times actually." He answered, trying to keep himself together but one solitary tear gave him away as it rolled down his cheek. Softly Sahira wiped it away with her thumb. "They thankfully never remembered, apart from one time. I got up and went down to the kitchen. My father was sitting at the table with a murderous look on his face. He saw me, grabbed a knife and then grabbed me by my arm. It's not the first time I thought I would die by his hand. He threatened to castrate me because I had 'made' him do it and that I was a worthless slag. It was my uncle who ironically saved me. He reasoned with my father that they couldn't blame my castration on me being a klutz. Later he took me to one side and said if I ever told anybody about what had happened he'd hunt me down and make me wish I had never been born."

Sahira found she had no words to say, as a mother is abhorred her that a child could be treated like this "Why didn't you tell anybody after you grew up?" she finally asked.

"Because I let them do it. I never fought back. Not to mention all the sympathy, all the counsellors, all the therapists and all the 'oh poor you'. I wanted to believe it didn't matter and forget about it. I wanted to act as if it never happened." He looked hopelessly at her. "I can see it in your eyes now, you don't think of me the same way. You see me as being broken."

"That's because you are." Suddenly a smile flashed across her face. She remembered the little gift bag sitting on the table in the on call room with the toy ambulance in it. "But there is nothing so broken it can't be fixed."

She got off the chair to sit with him on the bed. "I failed my trigonometry exam because of him. I found out he died the morning of the exam. It wasn't just relief I felt when my father died, I felt angry. He died never explaining why he did the things he did. I was sent home from school for the funeral. Having to play the grieving son at the side of his coffin was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. They buried him beside my mother and since then I have never been to her grave." The self loathing had returned again, the fact he could never go to the grave of the one person who had loved him unquestioningly because he couldn't bear to face the memory of his father tore him up inside.

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" She asked gently.

"Don't you have children to be home to?" Hanssen replied knowing Sahira put them first always.

She gave a soft smile. "No they're with Raffi at his parents' house for a few days."

"Then tonight, I would very much enjoy your company." He admitted with a grateful smile.


	8. A Picture

"Where's Miss Shah?" Greg asked worried that he had not seen her come in and she was edging on an hour late.

The nurse just shrugged. "Last I saw of her was last night when she went to check on Mr Hanssen." Greg knew immediately where she would be. He walked down to Hanssen's bay and stuck his head around the door to find Sahira lying next to Hanssen, her head on his chest. The sight brought a slight smile to Greg's face. Sahira looked so peaceful and even Hanssen looked as happy as Greg imagined he could be. He tiptoed in quietly and lightly shook Sahira until she woke up.

"Welcome to the waking world." He said with a cheeky grin.

"Morning Greg." She yawned slightly as Hanssen himself came out of his sleep. "Good morning to you too." She said smiling as Hanssen wiped his eyes.

"Good morning and to you Mr Douglas." Sahira got of the bed and Hanssen sat up.

Just before she left she turned to him. "I've got to go but I'll be back later." He just nodded as she left with Greg. "How late am I?" She asked as they headed to the nurses' station.

"Just about an hour." Greg answered.

"Great Jac will be spitting. Can you cover for me while I go change?" Jac would do anything to assert her superiority over her.

Greg looked at her, almost in a disappointed way. "Do you really need to ask?"

Sahira smiled. "Thanks, I owe you." She darted of to the changing rooms for a quick shower and to change. It wasn't for another 2 days until Sahira began to think about discharging Hanssen. She sent him for another set of scans. Eventually the results got back to her and she called Elliot. "Hey Elliot I need a second opinion."

"Ok, let me have a look." He took the results of Sahira off and examined them. "How long since his valve replacement?"

"7 days." This didn't worry Sahira, often valve replacement patients could be on the ward for up to 10 days.

Elliot weighed up all the information in his head before handing the scans back to Sahira. "Well unless any complications arise, I think he can be discharged tomorrow."

"That's great. I'll go give him the good news." She said smiling as she made her way to Hanssen's bay. The glasses had returned but he looked intensely bored.

"I see something has made you happy." He commented, trying to pretend that the what has been said last night was just some dream.

"Well I have some good news." Hanssen gave her a searching look as she came over to his bed. "Hopefully we can discharge you tomorrow."

"Thank god. Any more time in this bed and I may lose my sanity." It was meant as a joke, but spending so much time immobile without anything to occupy his mind was starting to get to him, too much time to think.

"You'll be out of here soon enough." She reassured him. "Are you ok?"

Hanssen considered his answer carefully, realising that he couldn't carry on with her as he once had, she knew too much. "Yes, why wouldn't I be?"

"Don't try that with me Henrik Hanssen." Sahira said sternly. "You'd be insulting my intelligence."

"I would never do that." He replied quickly.

"Then don't. So I will ask again, are you ok?" Sahira had come so far with him, she be damned if she was going to allow him to retreat into that shell of his.

Hanssen was ever so slightly shocked but impressed. It seemed his old protégé has outmanoeuvred him. "Sahira, I promise, I'm fine." The truth was that when she was with him, things were fine. The past didn't matter when she was around; all that mattered was Sahira and her happiness. There was a reason why he had fallen in love with her all those years ago. She was perhaps the only person in the world he would have opened up to and the only person in the world who he could trust.

She regarded him for a few seconds with questioning eyes, wondering if he was lying, or manipulating, or just burying his head in the sound. She had learned many things about Hanssen, he was dedicated, passionate (though many people didn't see it), brilliantly intelligent and an utter gentleman. But he was injured and life had been brutal to him. To remain professional, he had trained his mind to block out thoughts and feelings that were irrelevant to his job. However when he found himself alone, the demons always found a way through. She concluded, he may feel fine now, but what about when he's back home. "Ok, but if you ever need me, I'll have my phone on constantly." One thing she knew was that in this life, we all need someone to rely on. She went to leave the room, hoping maybe he had learned to rely on her.

"I need to ask something of you." He said just as she was about to leave. Feeling ever so slightly nervous and almost too demanding, he berated himself for still not fully trusting the woman who had saved his life, in more ways than one.

Sahira gave him a puzzled look. "Of course. What is it you want?"

Hanssen smiled, sometimes Sahira did little things that reminded him of why he had spent years angsting over her. "If you could locate the jacket I was wearing the day of the stabbing, on the inside pocket there should be the key to my office. In one of the drawers in my desk there's the key to my house..."

"This is beginning to sound a bit like hunt for buried treasure." She joked.

"Quite, just there won't be any ships and people with hooks for hands." He laughed back. "Once you have the key to my house do you mind going round and picking up something for me to wear, it's just my suit I was wearing, the shirt was cut open."

"Of course I don't mind." She smiled. "I'll go look for that jacket now in fact as CTU is pretty quiet."

"Thank you." Sahira didn't really need his thanks. For her it was almost like a badge of honour that he would allow her to go into his house, his personal space. She picked up the phone and rang the theatre manager to ask where they had taken Hanssen's stuff.

"Mr Hanssen's belonging were bagged and put in secure storage in Darwin's store rooms." The manager answered. Sahira gave her thanks and then went into the store room. Everything was there except Hanssen's shirt; it had been incinerated due to it being completely wrecked by his blood. In his jacket pocket as expected were the keys to his office.

It felt almost like breaking in as she unlocked the doors to Hanssen's office. She stepped into his office and made her way over to sit on the chair. It felt so weird being in the same place he usually was, like almost connecting with him in some strange way. She opened up the top drawer and searched about amongst the papers. Giving up on the top drawer she started on the second. She again rifled through the documents until she found the keys. Just as she was about to close the drawer something caught her eye. It didn't look like a document or a folder. She careful lifted it out of the drawer to look at it properly. It was a picture frame with a black and white photograph of woman and a young toddler. The small boy looked like he didn't have a care in the world with his jet black hair all over the place and his mother looked adoringly down on him with the same soft eyes as her son. It was almost the picture of family bliss.

Sahira put the picture back in the drawer. She knew it was Henrik in that picture with his mother when he was round about the same age as her son now. It hurt her so much to think of Indie coping on his own without her, and seeing Henrik in that photograph, she could suddenly relate to how he felt. The pain of losing the one person who had loved him must still be so raw. Sahira got up and left the room, after seeing almost into Hanssen's mind.

"I'm off for a lunch break." She told Elliot as she collected her keys.

"It's a bit early." Elliot said giving her a look. Sahira tried her best pleading eyes and he gave in. "Fine off you go."

Sahira didn't need to be told twice. "Thank you." She said as she started off to her car.

It was only a 15 minutes drive to Hanssen's house in a quiet suburban street. She pulled up onto the drive of a detached house, which actually looked rather Scandinavian and got out. Letting herself in using his keys, she found herself in the hallway. Suddenly curiosity took over and even though Henrik wouldn't want her to, she couldn't help put take a quick look around the place. Going into the living room and then into the kitchen, she found everything was so clean. There was a place for everything and everything was in its place. All the furniture was smart with clean lines and seemed very sure of its purpose. One thing did strike her though; there were no photos of family or friends to be found. The rooms were quite large and seemed so impersonal as if it were a house for showing prospective buyers, not an actual home.

Leaving the sitting room she climbed the stairs. She searched through the rooms to try and find Henrik's bedroom. After ending up in two of the guest bedrooms, she opened another door and ended up in his study. Again she knew she shouldn't look about, but she did anyway. Again all was clean, neat and tidy. Yet amongst the books and the filing cabinets there was one solitary photograph frame. It contained a photo of a collection of people in white doctors' jackets posing for the camera. Sahira picked it up and looked closely at it. Suddenly the realisation hit her, it was a picture of the team at Colchester just after a pioneering surgery. Standing at the back was the ever dominant Hanssen, and at the front a younger Sahira beamed out at her from behind the glass. The only personal photograph he had was off her. The thought made her heart melt, that she seemed to be the only person in the world he loved.

Looking quickly down at her watch, she knew she had to be back soon. Finally locating his bedroom, she was struck as soon as she entered at the massive picture of Stockholm that was on Hanssen's wall. He obviously missed home sometimes. Opening his cupboard, she tried to pick out something he would actually like to wear. She took out his black waistcoat and the jacket and trousers to go with it. Treating it like a puzzle she agonised for some minutes over what tie and shirt to go for but finally settled on a plain white shirt with a red tie. The next bit was what she felt ever so slight awkward about, she had to pick out his underwear. Going for the socks in his chest of drawers first, she pulled out a pair of black ones and chucked them onto the bed with the rest of the clothes. Taking a deep breath to steel herself for the next task, she opened the second drawer and was slightly taken aback. Despite her presumptions, Henrik it seemed was a boxer man. Quickly taking one them out, she then folded everything up and placed them in an overnight bag. Her task completed, she made sure everything was as she found it, grabbed a pair of black shoes from the shoe rack, locked the front door behind her and got back in her car.

Once she got back to the hospital she rushed up to Darwin ward. As she passed the nurses' station Elliot gave her a look that made her know she had only just made it back in time. She went straight to Hanssen's bay. "Here you go." She said dropping the bag onto one of the chairs.

"Thank you." Hanssen meant it genuinely, there are not many people he would have trusted to do that.

"Anything for you Henrik."


	9. The Little Things

Elliot and Sahira walked into Hanssen's bay together with the discharge papers "Good news Mr Hanssen we can discharge you today." Elliot said cheerfully.

"That's good, I doubt I shall even be able to see my desk for paperwork." Hanssen didn't look forward to the prospect.

"Well you should be out of here soon enough." Sahira reassured him

"Now you won't be able to drive for 6 weeks and I suggest you have at least one week's rest at home before returning to work so take it easy." Elliot knew the likelihood of that happening was close to zero "Also because it's an artificial valve you're going to need blood thinners from now on. I would like to see you in 4 weeks for a check up and tests as well."

"Understood." Hanssen nodded as Sahira placed the discharge forms on the table. Wasting no time he picked up the pen and signed the forms.

"Right we'll leave you to it." Elliot said as he turned to leave.

Sahira went to follow him but just before she left she turned to face Hanssen. "I'll swing by later to check everything is ok." With that and a smile she left.

"Elliot," Sahira said as she jogged slightly to catch up with him. "Is it possible that I could be put on similar shift pattern to Mr Hanssen for the next few months?"

"I can't think why it shouldn't be. Why?" Elliot was puzzled, he knew Sahira had grown close to Hanssen, but asking to be on the same pattern was verging on weird.

"Well it's just if Mr Hanssen can't drive than maybe I could pick him up when we go into work and drop him off on the way home seeing as I live out that way." That wasn't strictly true, but who would know anyway.

Elliot nodded, impressed at Sahira's caring side. "Ok I'll ring Keller for his shift times and I'll alter yours."

"Thanks Elliot." Sahira beamed.

Half an hour later Sahira popped her head around Hanssen's door. She smiled slightly as there he stood fully suited and booted, adjusting his tie. "Is there a problem Sahira?" He asked, his old guarded self returning. Even though he still looked pale and thin, his eyes were now alert with a certain glint.

"Just wanted to know how you're going to get to and from work." She answered, watching caringly as he brushed his hair into order.

"Get a cab like everyone else does." Well obviously his recent ill health had not dented his sarcasm.

Sahira smiled and shook her head. "Why don't I take you into work?"

Hanssen looked at her, not quite understanding why she thought it would work. "Aren't you on a different shift pattern from me?"

"Well I can arrange it with Elliot." She said, wanting Hanssen to know that she was going to look after even if now he wasn't her patient, that's if he would let her.

"Only if it doesn't inconvenience you." He said, Sahira's smile grew wider. The first battle had been won; he had let her help him.

"Good." She stood a bit taller now, allowing herself to be proud of what she had achieved with him. "I clock off at five, can you wait until then?"

He nodded. "Yes as I do believe there will be a mountain of paper work waiting for me."

"Don't overdo it." Sahira said sternly. "I'll swing by at five to get you." Hanssen picked up his keys from the bedside table and put them in his pocket and went to leave but stopped. "What's wrong?" She asked.

"It's nice to be standing up." It was the little things he had missed, like towering over people instead of them looking down on him. Sahira looked at him oddly; some things about Hanssen just couldn't be deciphered. They walked out together onto the ward. As they passed nurses, all of them seemed to smile with a bright 'nice to see you Mr Hanssen'. It felt alien to him in a way that people now longer regarded him with mistrust but instead looked pleased to see him. As they approached the nurses' station Elliot looked up from the computer and beamed at them both.

"It's good to have you back again Mr Hanssen." He meant it genuinely, his opinion of the Director of Surgery had softened. The way Hanssen and Sahira had bonded did make him smile and after doing the valve replacement, he now knew for sure Hanssen had a heart.

"Thank you." Hanssen said, surveying the ward. "It's nice to be back. Now if you'll excuse me I have work to be doing.

Elliot rolled his eyes, knowing this was coming. "What did I say?" He sternly reminded him.

"I will cancel my theatre list for the week, will that appease you?" Hanssen compromised.

"Fine." Elliot conceded grudgingly. "But if you start even slightly feeling odd I want you to come straight to me. Understand?"

"Perfectly." Hanssen turned to leave the ward, glad to be back in charge. Smilingly after him as he left, Sahira went into the registrars' office and logged on to the computer as an idea began to form in her head.

"Hello Miss Shah." Sahira was slightly startled but breathed a sigh of relief when she found it was only Sister Williams. "I have your new time sheet, oh and could you give Mr Hanssen's his as well?"

"No problem Chrissie." She took the two sheets off her and put them on the desk After Chrissie had left she picked up the time sheets and realised that in about two months time, they both had three days off, which slotted in with her plan quite nicely.

At exactly five o'clock there was a knock on Hassen's door. Smiling slightly he shouted, "Come in." Sure enough it was Sahira who opened the door.

"Ready to go?" She asked, a bit shocked by the sheer volume of files and folders on his desk.

"I've been in this hospital for nine days, not even I am that much of a masochist to enjoy this place for that long." He picked up the files he was reading and put it in his briefcase.

"Well the sarcasm certainly didn't suffer." She laughed, but was still a little bit concerned about the number of documents he was taking home with him. "What did Elliot say about taking it easy?"

"Elliot does not have an FT application to manage." She just looked at him sternly then rolled her eyes. "Now shall we?" He asked as he gestured to the door. The two doctors walked down to Sahira's car and drove to Hanssen's house. All the way there they sat in companionable silence, both of them thinking over what the other meant to them.

"I'll be round at 8 tomorrow morning to pick you up, ok?" She as they pulled onto the drive.

He nodded, looking at the house he hadn't seen in over week. "Do you want to come in? I could attempt at making tea if there are any teabags."

"I would like that." They both got out of the car and walked up to the house. Unlocking the door, he held it open for her.

"Here I'll take your coat." He held onto her jacket as she shrugged out of it and hung it up on the coat pegs. Leading the way down the hall, Sahira followed Hanssen into the living room and then into the kitchen. He opened one of the cupboards and rummaged around in it. "There we are." He exclaimed as he produced a packet of teabags. "This might taste slightly strange, as a rule I don't have tea. So my tea making skills may be a little rusty."

"I don't mind really." She watched him as he boiled the kettle and made the tea. Finally after much fumbling with the milk he produced a cup of tea. As he handed it over to her he gauged her reactions in the fear he had made it all wrong. "It's fine." She reassured him after taking a sip."Aren't you having one?"

"I am not a fan of tea myself." He went and sat down on one of the couches as Sahira sat down on the other. Momentarily neither of them could find anything to speak about, not knowing quite what to say. "How are you coping, with the divorce?" Hanssen did feel slightly awkward, but it wasn't just Sahira who could be overprotective.

"It's ok, we're still living together until I find a place of my own. The kids seem to be taking it well which is good." She couldn't pretend that the divorce didn't sadden her, giving up on her marriage was the hardest decision she'd ever made but it had been the right one.

"You could move in with me." Hanssen wondered if he had gone too far with that. He wasn't entirely sure what he was to Sahira. "That's only if you want to." He added quickly.

It shocked Sahira a little, his face actually looked genuinely nervous. It was almost cute. "Of course I would love to." She got up off the sofa and kneeled on the floor in front of him. "Why wouldn't I want to?"

"Because sometimes I can be very cold and rude with people like I have been with you in the past." He sighed and looked into her beautiful eyes. He didn't deserve her. "Are you sure it's me you want? Many men would give anything for you. Mr Douglas for example. He's charming and you get on with him very well. Also he's totally smitten with you."

"Yes he's very charming, kind and sweet. But you have something he has never shown, a deep respect for me." She looked deeply into his familiar eyes, there was a bond between them forged by everything they had been through. That was what had been missing with her husband and it was what was missing with Greg. "I don't want Greg, or any other man. I want you"

Hanssen cupped her cheek and gently stroked it with his thumb. Sahira leant into his touch as her heart began to melt all over again. He got up off the couch and, using his hand on her cheek, prompted Sahira to stand up as well. As he wrapped his arms around her waist, the atmosphere became charged with intimate electricity that he had never before known. She flung her arms around his neck and pressed her body into his, her pulse beginning to race with every new sensation. Pressing her forehead against hers, Henrik had never felt so alive. Their noses rubbed together as they stood there, both of them breathing in time with each other. Leaning down he pressed his lips to hers and with that gesture kissed good bye to his past life.


	10. Bravery

**A/N: **Thank you to everyone for the lovely reviews and encouragement. This is the final chapter and I hoped you enjoyed reading!

**Bobbi x**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Two months later.<strong>_

Henrik engaged the handbrake on the car they had rented just outside the gates. Resting his head back against the headrest, he prepared himself for what was about to come. Noticing his nervousness Sahira took his hands in hers, and gave him a reassuring smile. Breathing in deeply he got out of the car and Sahira followed. She shivered slightly as she picked up the roses on the back seat, surprised at how cold Stockholm could be in early spring.

She had booked the holiday without Henrik knowing it, hoping that it would give him a chance to close old wounds. Sahira had kept it a secret until the week before but had planned it about a month and a half in advance, just after he had been discharged from hospital. The kids were with their father and they both had three days off anyway. He was certainly surprised when she had told him her plan, but certainly not unhappy. They had flown into Stockholm two days ago and had visited all the places they loved from previous trips. It was only a few hours before they flew back before Henrik made a surprise request which had brought them to a cemetery in a quiet suburb of Stockholm.

Henrik linked arms with Sahira as they entered through the gates. The graves on either side of them were lined up like soldiers on the parade ground and everything was calm, silent and still. After five minutes they turned onto a small path and walked along a bit. They came to one grave and Henrik froze. Not knowing any Swedish, Sahira just recognised the name: Lennart Hanssen. "What does it say?" She asked, worryingly looking up at Henrik's face, his eyes held an anger that she had not seen before.

"It says 'Here lies Lennart Hanssen, beloved husband, brother and - father.'" Henrik stopped for a moment trying not to let his bitterness at the last part show. "'Who will be missed by all who knew him'" He gritted his teeth, refusing to let the man who had hurt him all those years ago have a hold of him now.

"He doesn't matter anymore." Sahira gently pulled him onto the next the grave. She again only recognised the name; Isabella Hanssen, but from Henrik's softening features she knew that this was indeed his mother.

Knowing that Sahira could not read the headstone, Hanssen cleared his throat and read. "'Here lies Isabella Hanssen, beloved wife to Lennart and – and," he had to stop for a moment to keep himself in check from the onslaught of emotion, "adoring mother to Henrik. Stole from us in while still in the prime life but her memory shall live on and be cherished for all time." Sahira quietly passed him over the bouquet of roses that he had grown himself and he placed them next to those that had been left by his remaining family in Sweden. "Jag saknar dig." He said quietly as he got up.

Sahira looked at him, promising herself as soon as she got back to Britain that she would learn Swedish. "Sorry Henrik, but I don't.."

"It means I miss you." Henrik said in a small voice as he fought back the tears.

Seeing Henrik struggle to remain calm made something come out in Sahira, it was a deep need to protect the man whose life she had saved. "Henrik, I don't expect you to be brave, not here and neither would your mother." That's what made the tears fully began to flow, unashamed and free. In some ways it hurt Sahira to see the man she loved so upset and in other ways it was a massive relief that finally Henrik could move on from his past. She pulled him in for a caring embrace, letting him bury his head into her shoulder as he let a lifetime of emotions out.

Soon Henrik had steadied himself and Sahira let him go from her gasp. "Thank you." He knew that without Sahira he may never have came here and may have even died regretting that he never visited his mother's grave. She wiped away the remaining tears from his eyes and linked back up their arms.

"You ready?" She asked, Henrik had to take his time here and not rush but she knew staying too long wouldn't help.

"Yes, I am." They started back down the path together. Sahira smiled inwardly, confident in the fact that Henrik had said what he needed to be said.

**_FIN_**


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